Blogger's Rant

Well Guys. Another Year has come and gone and its about that time of the year when you have to look at yourself and see what you have learned and accomplished this year.

Well where do I get started telling you guys how much I been through this year. I guess I should start a little past a year. I left a four-year relationship, which was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It wasn't because I didn't love him because I still do but we didn't see eye to eye at the time. I think we went through allot and we needed to grow at the moment so I left. Now I don't regret the choice one bit even though I miss him terribly. The reason I don't regret it is because we both grew and became better people because of it. It a shame we can talk about our problems now better than we were together. The good thing is that we are still friends and still have a good relationship. I think we might be co-dependent to each other (I think is because we spent 4 years without one day apart). Now he was my first love and no one can take that away (even though people had tried). Now we both have move on and dated other people and I'm glad. Maybe we will find in other people where we couldn't find with each other. I am very proud of him because he is growing to be a great person. Sometimes I wonder. Why do people become who you want them to be when we are no longer together.

Then after that I met a great guy. I things were going great. Things came to an end when things were the best in our relationship. Who know maybe it was wrong timing. Now I'm not going to go into details of it but if you know me then you know what when on. But just remember, "You might think you know but you have no idea." Now that is all I'm going to say about that out of respect.

Now after two fail relationships I had to wonder if I would ever find someone to love.
Well I figure I do something with my time. I traveled all over the U.S. since I never had a chance to experience that before. Now in between my travels I had my heart broken and torn by the one's I loved. I came to one hard conclusion. When I'm hurt I get really angry and I don't like to let things go. I always remember the good times and that keeps me attach to the things we once had and the angry times keep me from letting things go. Now I'm not saying that I didn't my own part in the break ups. I'm sometimes a hard person to get along with, but I'm usually very sweet, ask anyone. This is something so hard to struggle with. Now guys I'm far from perfect. I never claim to be. But if anyone needs helps I always come to the rescue no matter how much I hate the person.

I think every time I get my heart broken I wonder how could someone that loves me or claim to love me can hurt me? I think maybe its because they are hurt themselves and that is how allot of people deal with their pain. See and this hurts even more because I expect people to act like me which I think is unfair in my part. I would never hurt another person just to hurt them. Why do that to the one's you love. But oh well this is a lesson learned.

My last trip to New Orleans I went to get my head cleared. I needed it. I had a great time with my best friends. Thanks guys. My one friend has a way to put my life in perspective and I thank him everyday that he is in my life and my fag hag just put things in a different light. Thank god for her thinking.

I even got a puppy in the middle of my soul searching. I love Toby dearly. He has brought me allot of joy in my life. And for foxy love she is still alive and kicking.

Now during my last heartache I cried like I never cried before. (I listen to allot of Mary J blige, Alicia Keys, Rhianna, you guys get the picture). When the tears dried and I put my life together. I came to a realization maybe I meant to be alone. I just stop looking.

Now for the first time in my life I found myself alone. Holding on to the good times I once had. Now no matter how bad things got towards the end I still held on to those times. I couldn't move on. I was so down.

Then what does a boy do when he's down. He calls his mother. My mom told me. " Boy don't look back not even to get a head start. Just keep moving forward things will get better it always does." Now imagine this in Spanish because you know my mom fights speaking English.

Then I got the thinking she is right. I don't have to fight the love I have for other people. If someone is on your mind they are supposed to be there. Why fight it. If they are there they must have meant something to you in the first place. Once I realize that I was finally in peace.
What's funny? I'm very lucky in life. I think is just god's way of thanking me for the ruff childhood. Also I'm a very good friend and I think that counts for something. Now in the men department is no exception.

Now before this I was given the option to turn back or move forward. I moved forward and I had my reasons.

Just when I stop looking this great guy steps into my life. Now I was very cautious stepping into this relationship. I took my time to get to know him instead of just jumping into a relationship like I have done in the past. We did the date thing and so on and you know what it paid off. He is and incredible guy. He is patient with me and god knows he needs it. I can be hard to handle when in a bad mood. I thank the lucky stars for him. He worships the ground I walk on and never questions it. One big thing I adore in a loving relationship is the ability for someone to do something for me even if they don't want to just to make me happy. And he has that (I'm talking about just about watching a movie you know your man really would hate watching ha ha). Now you know who you are Angel. I don't want to embarrass you too much.
Before you say anything. Bitches I didn't forget about you. I have to say I thank god for every one of you. I spent the New Year like I wanted. With people that love me and that I love them. So in recap.
What have a learned this year?
1 Never give up hope. Things do get better.

2 Never believe what people say most of the time its not true.

3. Forget the sorrows because they are so many and celebrate the good times because they are so few (yes this a line from Queer as Folk)

4. Stop looking for what you want. If your busy running to try to find it how could it ever find you.

And last but defiantly not least. I'm a good person. Yes people might hate me because I speak my mind but I know for a fact that every time someone needed me and I was there. I do anything for the people I care about and I am a great human being.

Well guys until next time I love you from the bottom of my heart.

Sincerely yours,

Just plain old Jay

I wonder if I believe in Fairy Tales

I wonder if I believe in fairy tales.I sometimes catch myself daydreaming at the oddest places about how my life would be if I married someone wonderful. I know this sounds silly specially coming from a gay man. But I dream about this more lately for some odd reason. It could be because so many people got married this year. My brothers are married and made their life and I find myself feeling jealous of what they have. I want what they have with a guy. I have dreamed the perfect proposal. The guy will pick the perfect ring. He would take his time picking the right one. In my mind the ring it perfect. In my mind I wouldn't care what it cost because he would of taken his time and thoughts of his love for me would've come to him as he picked it.He would proposed to me on a chilly early spring afternoon before the sun set next to the river. At the wedding there be only our closest family and friends. I would be wearing all white and black and he would be wearing black and white. We would recite our vows to each other while trying to hold back the tears.At the reception I even know the song I would sing to him thanking him for choosing me. I would cry during our first dance as a married couple. We will live happily ever after as a family and maybe would raise a kid of our own. I know this sounds tacky but a guy is allowed to dream. Since I have spent some time by myself today and as everyone knows when I'm by myself I think allot. I was thinking do I believe the fairytales I made up in my head. Can a guy be my prince? I'm I just an endless romantic? Or is my life just a big soap opera that doesn't go anywhere but its full of drama? I'm not sure sometimes but I do know this much. I think I'm up to a good start. I learned to let go. Live life one day at a time. Let myself be loved by someone who really cares about me and that I'm their center of their universe. Keep friendships that mean the world to me. I have to remember and remind myself every day. I do believe in fairytales because when you reach for the stars sometime you find yourself getting one.

Show 4 (Kitty Night)

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Show 4 Show too big divided in two. Music by Jasmine Ash (Start Over) and Joe Sibol (Hey Sexy Girls. Today I talk about where I been, Kitty Night at Woodys, and Pride Idol.